


Four Seasons

by Saturnjungkook



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Athletic Trainers, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Football, Johnmark endgame, Johnny Suh is a sweetheart, Johnten break up eventually, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun & Lee Taeyong Are Best Friends, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT) is Whipped, Mark Lee (NCT)-centric, Minor Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Minor Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Minor Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Most of NCT, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oops, Pining, Slow Build, Strangers to Lovers, They're waterboys, fight me, mostly just mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28626573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saturnjungkook/pseuds/Saturnjungkook
Summary: Mark knew he shouldn't but the way Johnny seemed to genuinely care about him made him break.-It was never supposed to get this bad, Mark knew that. He's always been good at bottling in his emotions and focusing on others instead of himself. Then walked in Johnny Suh.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Jungwoo, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil, Mark Lee/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	1. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M A R K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!
> 
> I'm honestly terrified about posting this, but I wanted to use this story to connect with my own personal experiences and help myself grow as a writer. Mark is deeply reflective of me which will make this incredibly hard to write later on. I seriously hope to bring this story idea to justice so I'm intrigued to see how this goes.
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is stupidly short but the others will be longer :)

Mark knew he shouldn't expect much out of his college years. Maybe he'll get drunk every once in a while or, maybe he'll just exclude himself from the world. Mark will be too busy with football to care anyway. Mark will stay up late doing homework, go to bed, then repeat. He won't dwell on his constantly low life and he won't allow himself to rely on someone again.

He can't do that again.

He won't do that again.

"Mark?" Donghyuck piped from next to him. "Let's go, what room number are we?"

"209," Mark replied.

Donghyuck flashed him a smile and reached down to hold his hand. It was a habit the younger had established earlier on. Mark was a sucker for affection so, he never commented on it. Where would Mark be without Donghyuck? Mark doesn't know. Wherever there was Mark, there was Donghyuck. Mark met the younger one in elementary school, back when Mark was still taller than him. Donghyuck was tiny and scrawny, his long brown hair almost covered his eyes. Now, it was the opposite. Even though Donghyuck was younger than Mark, he was more confident than him. Donghyuck knew he was gorgeous, everyone did. His skin tone was like honey, a few freckles hidden on his face. Mark always called them stars. If Donghyuck was ever insecure about them, Mark would play dot-to-dot with his freckles and create constellations with the few freckles Donghyuck kept a secret.

Though Donghyuck would say the opposite, Mark couldn't compare to him. Mark was scrawny still, he hasn't really changed since middle school. He was shorter than most guys, which led to much teasing from his peers. The only thing Mark felt confident about was his black hair. It was like his hair was the one thing he couldn't mess up. He could make it work with anything he wore.

Mark needed to fix something, but that could come later.

He reached forward and unlocked the door to their dorm. Living together was a promise Donghyuck made a long time ago. A promise that stated that Donghyuck would follow Mark across the world. Mark has learned never to doubt the other, for Donghyuck always kept his promises.

The dorm was a decent size, almost the same as Mark's room back in Colorado. The room had many windows that allowed for sunlight to shine into the bare room. The room gave a better feeling than what Mark got back in his hometown.

Nothing good came from Colorado, only hurt and despair. Mark was appreciative though, his time there taught him a lot. It allowed Mark to grow in ways he didn't want to. He got heartbroken, learned from it, and was able to move on. Not from the pain of it but the memory of it. He figures he has his parents to thank for that. They never pushed, and they never forced themselves into his issues. Though they gave advice and offered help, they allowed Mark to grow. They knew the hurt boiled down far deeper than they could ever understand, but they still helped the best they could.

Mark thinks they deserve the whole universe.

Himself? Well, not so much, but he hopes he'll get there one day. One day, he'll stop overthinking everything. He'll start trusting people and realize that not everyone is going to leave him. Someday, he'll genuinely be happy.

For now, Mark will focus on football and navigating through college. No one needs to worry about him because he doesn't have it bad. Others have it worse, he can't complain about a little hurt.

-

"Mark!"

Mark isn't surprised that Donghyuck was the first one to wake up. With a groan, Mark threw his legs over the be and went to find the younger.

"What-"

"There's a freaking snake in the toilet!"

Mark tried not to laugh, he really did, but the situation was far too funny to let Donghyuck run free. Mark let himself fall in a fit of giggles and fall into Donghyuck in the process. The younger huffed from above him, clearly annoyed by Mark's outburst.

"Mark, this is serious," He whined, a pout forming at his lips.

Mark ruffled his hair, "Come on, Hyuck, it'll be gone by this afternoon before practice."

Donghyuck frowned but shrugged anyway, "Fine, but you owe me food."

"I'll buy you the Silver Dollar from IHOP," Mark said.

From the way that Donghyuck lit up and a bright smile crossed his face, Mark knew he had a deal. Donghyuck wasted no time grabbing shoes (+ Mark's hand) and running out the door.


	2. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet the others

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> This is basically the boring introducing everyone chapter so, I apologize in advance. This always a hard chapter for me but, I persevered. 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading this, I honestly can't thank you guys enough. 
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy :)

"These outfits are awful," Donghyuck groaned.

"I know, you've said that a thousand times on our way here," Mark acknowledged.

"Look, I need to meet new people. This outfit won't help."

"I'm right here, Hyuck."

Donghyuck grinned, leaning over and placing his chin on Mark's shoulder, "You know I love you most, Markie."

Mark made a puking noise and pushed a laughing Donghyuck off his shoulder, "That's enough, I might puke."

"I love you," Donghyuck teased. "Meet me by the door."

Once Donghyuck was gone, Mark let himself sigh. As much as he hates to say it, Donghyuck is right. The clothes were awful. Imagine pairing a rundown shirt (probably worn by your grandpa) with a pair of Nike shorts. Exactly, horrendous. The best Mark could do was tuck in his shirt and slip his lanyard into one of his pockets. It would have to work. He ran his fingers through his hair one last time before grabbing a change of clothes and running out to meet Donghyuck.

-

What Mark loved most about Chicago so far was the weather. It wasn't too hot even though they were in the prime time of summer heat. The breeze was mild, allowing brief moments of relief. It was nice to know that they wouldn't be standing in the burning heat all month like other states encountered.

The walk to the fields wasn't far from the dormitory so, they had no fear about getting there late. Mark ran up and grabbed the door first before Donghyuck could beat him to it. With a grin, he opened the door and ushered Donghyuck inside.

"You're so immature," Donghyuck laughed.

Mark smiled and followed after the younger, putting a comforting arm around his shoulder. This seemed to help as Donghyuck's shoulders relaxed under the touch. Donghyuck has always struggled with nervousness whenever he tried something new or entered a new experience. Mark knew he had nothing to worry about though. Donghyuck was talented at almost everything he did. He picked up on skills quickly and was able to excel in them. It was a trait that Mark was slightly jealous of.

The first thing Mark noticed when he walked into the unfamiliar room was the absurd amount of people there.

Basketball players were taking an ice bath after a long game. Some football players were doing stretches so that they were able to get back out there and play rather sooner than later. However, Mark didn't see another trainer’s insight.

"You two, come in here," Someone said, his head peeking out of a doorway.

Mark and Donghyuck glanced at each other before walking into the office. There stood about twelve other people including, three coaches.

"Welcome back and a special to Mark and Donghyuck who are hiding in the corner. Is everyone here? Where's Taeil?"

"Right here!"

Mark watched as Donghyuck's head whipped towards the voice. A small smile crossed his face and Mark saw his shoulders relax a bit.

_What a helpless romantic._

__

__

"You guys were excellent last year so, I don't expect any less than that. I've partnered up Yuta with Mark and Taeil with Donghyuck for the first week but make sure to introduce yourself to them eventually.

Coach went over a few rules and regulations before letting everyone go to practice. Donghyuck was quick to run over to Taeil and introduce himself. However, Mark didn't know who or where Yuta was. There were too many faces, he couldn't distinguish them.

"Mark!" Someone called, waving him over near one of the many ice machines that scattered the room.

Make guesses this is Yuta. The one with long white hair that partly covered his eyes. The one with the sweetest grin Mark had ever seen. Yuta seemed to glow like the sun itself and Mark was just simply a planet orbiting around him.

Mark can't compete.

Yuta handed him a rack of six bottles and grabbed his arm, pulling him quickly out the door. As they were walking, Yuta began to explain everything.

"I should probably introduce myself," He said with a smile. "My name is Nakamoto Yuta and I'm a sophomore. I started training as a Freshman, but I also trained all four years of high school as well. Coach Lewis is our head coach while Coach Klein and Coach Rose are assistants. There are thirteen others here, I won't bother naming them because you'll learn them soon enough."

Yuta seemed to be done as he eyed Mark expectedly.

Mark let out a cough, "Uh, it's nice to meet you. My name is Mark Lee, I transferred here from Colorado."

Yuta hummed, "I looked at colleges there actually."

"I'm glad you didn't choose to go there," Mark snorted. "That place is tragic."

Yuta grinned, "I'll take your word for it. Now help me set everything up."

Yuta led Mark through the usual routine. First, they set up the tables and coolers. Then, they set up the training table and start uncapping bottles.

"There's no rule as to who is required to fill the bottles, but you'll find that Johnny Suh is always the first to do so," Yuta said, pointing to the only guy with a pitcher in his hand.

Mark glanced over and finally let himself acknowledge the guy. He was tall, way taller than Mark. A black ball cap covered his hair, and he was the only one who wore a fanny pack tightly around his waist.

"He's the golden child," Yuta explained. "Lewis adores him, always picks him for everything and every sport. Not that Johnny is against it, he's the hardest worker out of all of us."

Mark nodded. He could see how that was true, he hadn't seen Johnny talk to anyone since he's been here.

"Before any of you losers call it, I'm taking receivers!" Someone suddenly called out, breaking the silence that had fallen over the group.

"Okay you lovesick boy," Johnny teased.

"Johnny, you're just jealous because Ten's not here."

"Jungwoo, Ten would die out here," Johnny laughed.

Jungwoo just shook his head, "Whatever you say."

Mark was slightly confused. Was Ten just a friend? It honestly wouldn't surprise Mark if Johnny did have a boyfriend. He seemed to be the guy everyone would want. Not like Mark would care.

"Before you ask, Johnny is dating Ten," Yuta said, seemingly answering Mark's unspoken question.

Mark nodded, "Why does it matter if Jungwoo covers receivers?"

Yuta grinned, "Jungwoo is dating Jaehyun, you'll probably meet him after practice. Jungwoo is utterly in love with him, it's honestly disgusting, but I'm happy for him."

"Is everyone taken around here?" Mark joked.

"Sorta," Yuta laughed. "Do you see the guy with the light blue hair? That's Jeno, he's dating Jaemin who is absent today. Expect to see him sulking at every corner. The black-haired one next to Johnny is Doyoung. He's currently pining over a dance major named Taeyong. You'll meet him tonight because he's helplessly in love with Doyoung. If those two don't get it together, I will personally lock them into a closet. Personally, I'm dating Sicheng. He's a dance major along with Taeyong."

Yuta took a deep breath, "My bad, that was a lot."

"No, you're good. Thanks for the small introductions," Mark said, patting his shoulder.

"Game time, boys!" Doyoung suddenly called out.

Mark looked quickly at Yuta, having zero clue about what was going on. Yuta ran off to grab two racks before heading back to Mark and handing him one.

"We're with o-line. Just follow me this week, you'll be okay."

-

Practice went smoothly despite Mark’s initial fears. Yuta told Mark many stories of himself and about the other trainers while Mark included some of his own. He told stories of him and Donghyuck and about his brother, Renjun, who was currently in New York. With the thought of Donghyuck on his mind, he reminders that he hadn’t seen the younger in a while. Once they finally finished up practice and headed downstairs, Mark immediately went to find Donghyuck. To be fair, it wasn’t hard. He was sitting on top of one of the tables while mindlessly scrolling through his phone. Donghyuck seemed to notice his entrance and immediately jumped to his feet.

“Markie!”

Mark couldn’t bring himself to complain, not when Donghyuck was hugging him as if he knew he was in desperate need of a hug. It was why they worked so well, they could read each other as if they were the same. Donghyuck was Mark’s puzzle piece and maybe Mark was his as well.

“How was practice?” Mark asked as they pulled away from each other.

Donghyuck broke into a stupid grin and Mark knew he was in for a rant.

“Taeil is quite literally going to be the love of my life.”

Mark let out a long exaggerated sigh.


	3. Mid-Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark struggles and has a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I'm so sorry this took so long. This chapter was a struggle plot-wise. I should have the next chapter out mid-week.
> 
> Thank you for all the love so far and I hope you enjoy this :)

Genuine happiness wasn't a feeling Mark knew well. He knows what it's like to be partly happy. He knows the feeling of a bright smile across his face and laughing so hard that he falls onto the floor. Mark loved the feeling, it felt like freedom. It was an escape from what he was actually feeling. Maybe that was unhealthy, but Mark didn't think twice about it. Mark's favorite thing in the world was seeing happiness in others. He loved seeing people's smiles and hearing pure laughter around him. It was refreshing and gave Mark hope.

One of his favorites was Donghyuck. He was next to him, giggling about something one of the players said. His tan skin was glowing in the sun, he was basically golden. A dark tan was growing on both of their faces because of the constant sun exposure. Donghyuck's laugh could cure any sadness Mark was experiencing. Not that the younger needed to know that, it would boost his ego too much

Practice was longer today and Mark was drained. He had made the mistake of not drinking enough water and now he's paying the price. He'd heard the effects of heat exhaustion, but they felt worse than they sounded like. His head was foggy and, he felt major dizziness whenever he took a step. Donghyuck seemed to notice Mark's change of behavior first.

"Mark, are you okay?" He asked, putting both hands onto his shoulders.

Mark couldn't respond. Donghyuck looked glossy through his eyes. Mark only could shake his head as he could feel his legs beginning to give out from under him. Stumbling, Mark felt himself fall onto Donghyuck. The younger was quicker though and, was able to make sure he stayed up straight. 

"Come on, Mark," He whispered, taking one of Mark's arms and swinging it over his shoulder.

Mark was in a daze, but he could make out how awkward this situation was. Everyone was probably staring, and Mark couldn't stand the thought of it. He felt so helpless as he clung onto Donghyuck. As they got closer to the other side of the field, Mark barely made notice of another person running to them.

"Jesus, what happened?"

It was Johnny. Mark could barely make out his face through his clouded vision but, he recognizes the voice. Johnny being there made Mark feel ten times worse. He hated appearing weak or needing help, especially to people who didn't know him well. 

"I think it's heat exhaustion," Donghyuck said. "Where's the coach?"

"Downstairs," Johnny replied, glancing at Mark's state. "I can take him if you'd like."

Donghyuck shook his head, "I want to be with him. Could you help though?"

Johnny nodded. He got closer into Mark's space and tapped his waist as if asking permission. Mark wasn't in the state to say no. Mark didn't know Johnny at all, only having a brief conversation earlier that week. Yet, Mark had no reason not to trust Johnny. He didn't seem like the type to hurt anyone. Johnny took Mark's silence as a yes and bent down, wrapping one arm behind Mark's back and the other under his knees. Mark let out a groan as he was lifted in the air. He weakly put an arm around Johnny's neck as support but, he was slowly losing energy. Mark allowed his head to rest on Johnny's shoulder.

"We have to go quickly," He heard Johnny say.

The last thing Mark remembered was Johnny softly scratching his back in comfort before he lost consciousness. 

-

Mark awoke to a bright overhead light and a hand in his. Turning his head over, he saw Donghyuck. He seemed exhausted, his eyes a bit droopy. 

"Hyuck?" Mark grunted, his voice still rough.

Donghyuck's eyes lit up as he scrambled to sit up straight, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," Mark reassured, squeezing his hand. "Thank you for noticing, and I'm sorry for worrying you."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Donghyuck said.

Mark looked around the empty training room with a frown, "Is practice still going on?"

"Yeah, coach just put some ice on your neck and waited until your pulse was normal again," Donghyuck answered. "Johnny's around here somewhere though."

Mark nodded, he needed to thank him. Right on cue, Johnny walked into the training room, a bottle of wattle in his hand.

Johnny met Mark's eyes and, a smile crossed his face, "Good, you're awake."

Mark hummed, "Yeah, thank you for carrying me down."

"It was nothing," Johnny replied. "Here's some water."

Mark smiled gratefully, taking a long sip of water. Johnny lifted himself on top of the table and took his phone out. The three sat there in silence, but Mark was appreciative of it. It wasn't long before the other arrived and the training room became lively again.

-

"Donghyuck, I promise I'm okay," Mark laughed.

Donghyuck hadn't let go of his hand the whole way back to the dorms. Mark didn't mind the comfort, but he needed Donghyuck to know that he's okay. That Mark wasn't going to disintegrate into thin air. When they finally entered the dorm, Donghyuck was quick to head to the shower. He'd been quiet ever since Mark woke up earlier that afternoon. Mark didn't want to push but, he was worried.

It was past ten when Mark heard sniffles from the bed next to him. He rolled over and saw a sight he never wanted to see again. Donghyuck was rolled into a ball as he tried to ease his ever-growing sobs. It almost stung Mark to see his best friend like this. He quickly ran over and pulled Donghyuck's close. The younger scrambled to grab hold of a piece of clothing as if Mark was his lifeline.

"Breathe, Hyuck. You're okay," Mark whispered the same words his mom used to say whenever he was upset.

As Donghyuck's sobs ceased and the darkness continued to loom over them, Mark couldn't help but think about what he'd missed. Was this his fault for not checking up on him earlier? But the way Donghyuck held him tightly and whispered to never let him go told Mark a different story. As much as Mark relied on Donghyuck, the younger relied on him just as much.

Mark knew at that moment that he had to be better. He had to be stronger than the both of them so that they don't both fall apart. He can bear it so that Donghyuck didn't have to. Mark could do it.

He had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I promise this is johnmark😂 I know I'm writing a lot of markyuck but that's because I love writing about them. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading, I appreciate all of you so much 💜


	4. Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark gets dreaded news

"Ten ice bags!" Doyoung yelled as the group made their way into the training room. "Lewis will kill you if there's air in any of them!"

"How about you help then, loser," Donghyuck called.

"No can do, Taeyong is waiting," Doyoung said. "Love you guys!"

"Love you too," Mark followed, rolling his eyes as Donghyuck handed him an ice bag.

This was the routine. Mark, Johnny, Taeil, and Donghyuck would make ice bags while the others scattered about. It bothered Mark somewhat, but he knows it works better for the group. The four of them get things done quickly anyways.

"Last one," Taeil announced, dropping the final icebag into a cooler.

Donghyuck hummed, "That's a record, we're done before Jaehyun gets in here."

Taeil laughed, "Can you blame him for being clingy? I bet Jungwoo rubbed off on him."

Mark let the two continue their conversation, deciding to find Johnny instead. Mark never had to look long because Johnny was only ever in two areas. First was the laundry room, he's usually the first to do it anyways. It was separate from everyone, so sometimes it's used for people to get away. The second was on the field with Lewis. Being the favorite had its perks, going everywhere was one of them. Johnny was basically coach Lewis's right-hand man. Mark didn't mind, but the others seemed to.

Today, he was in the laundry room. There he stood with his sleeves of the flannel he was wearing rolled up to his elbows. The black and white of it paired well with the simple black jeans he was wearing. Mark could deny it all he wanted, but deep down, he knew Johnny was utterly gorgeous. His skin was golden, almost like Donghyuck's. His eyes were caramel brown, slightly glowing whenever the sun reflected off of them. When the brown of his eyes turned into gold, Mark's breath would simply disappear. As time went on, Mark began to notice the little things about Johnny. Like the way his eyes brighten at the mention of Ten, or just the way his smile widened while he talked about things he loved. Johnny was always so upbeat and able to make everyone laugh no matter the situation. He had this aura to him that made him so likable.

Mark wasn't prone to it either.

"Mark," Johnny said with a slight noise of surprise in his voice. "I didn't even see you come in."

"Ouch," Mark laughed. "We just finished ice bags. Need anything else before I head to class?"

Johnny shook his head, "Nope, you do enough. I'll make Jaemin do it."

Mark hummed, "Good plan. I'll see you later then."

Johnny nodded, running over to open the door for Mark. If Johnny had any faults, Mark didn't know about them. Johnny seemed perfect in every way. It wasn't fair.

"Johnny!" A voice called from down the hall.

Mark knew the voice belonged to Ten. The smile that crossed Johnny's face confirmed it. Just like that, Johnny was gone. In seconds, he was already meeting Ten in the middle to pull him into a hug. Mark watched as Ten practically melted in Johnny's arms. It was almost like they hadn't seen each other in years.

However, they were cute. Mark could give them that. Johnny always did the sweetest things for Ten. Little things like looking out for him and giving him picky back rides whenever he wasn't feeling well. Ten seemed like the happiest guy in the world next the Johnny. His lovesick eyes were practically his go-to and Johnny always fell for them. It almost made Mark sick.

Laughing to himself, Mark let the couple be and went inside to grab Donghyuck and Taeil for his next class.

-

_Our minds make up unrealistic personalities of the people we love. We see past all their flaws and make ourselves see the better in them. They could hurt us to the core but when we're picked back up, our hearts long for them. It's a curse that our mind is hooked too. ___

Mark wished his professor would just stop talking. His mind was already tired from his calculus class earlier that day. Every wise word his professor said would ricochet off of his brain. It refused to process anything else. Mark could care less about Philosophy. It didn't matter what wise words these random people would say. Mark knew none of it even mattered.

Class finally ended and Mark was in a hurry to leave. He slung his backpack over his right shoulder and walked out before the teacher could hold him back. Mark sighed, leaning against his locker. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically. All he wanted was to lay in bed and ignore his existence until daylight came.

Unfortunately, a call rang through.

-

"Dad, is everything okay?" Mark asked, closing the door to his door lightly.

Donghyuck wasn't home yet. Mark guesses he finally convinced Taeil into going on a date with him. Just the thought of it made Mark happy. Donghyuck deserved this. He deserved Taeil. If there was one thing Mark wanted in the world, it was Donghyuck's happiness. Hopefully, Taeil can give him that.

"Mark, your brother called," His dad answered, his voice rough almost like he'd been asleep.

Mark's heart sank. The only reason Renjun ever called was if something went bad.

"Is he okay?" Mark asked frantically.

"He's all good, Mark. He just had a slight health scare. His friend took care of it though. He flew in last night, he's home."

"He's back in Colorado?" Mark asked shocked.

Renjun always swore that he'd never go back to Colorado, no matter the circumstances. What if this was serious? Mark could move past his grudges for his brother's sake.

"Do I need to head home?"

"We've got it. Come home over winter break though. Your mother misses you.

_Funny, that's not what she said two years ago. ___

_"I'll think about it. Tell Renjun I miss him._

Mark didn't give his dad a chance to answer before hanging. He tossed his phone onto his bed, resorting to the bathroom to get ready for bed. The cold water hit his skin like a glass window shattering. His heart seemed to ache with the feeling. He wasn't sure what to do. Mark's heart insisted that he go to Colorado on the quickest flight. But, there was also the logical part of him that realized his pain and how unwanted he felt whenever he was kicked out two years prior.

When do you know if you should follow your head or your heart? Mark didn't know, he wasn't very good at dealing with his feelings. It was why they got so bad in the first place. Mark's head felt like it was spinning, rapid thoughts spiraling in his head repeatedly. Mark felt himself start to feel weak, his feet starting to lose their footing. He fell onto his bed, his eyes transfixed on the ceiling.

He'll figure it out later, just not right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo
> 
> This chapter came way later than intended, my bad. But thank you all for still reading, I appreciate it tons. I have zero clue how this book is going but I'm gonna push through it. 
> 
> Thank you all <3


	5. Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark breaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys <3
> 
> TW/ Panic attacks and talks
> 
> Random song recommendation: Reasons by Matt Van

"Mark, slow down!" Donghyuck called, jogging to walk beside Mark.

Maybe he was acting a bit strange. He has barely said a word to anyone since he arrived. Mark noticed Donghyuck's weird looks, but he ignored him. He didn't want to talk right now. Everything would eventually bottle back down and then Mark would be normal again. He just had to wait it out. 

Mark didn't even wait for Johnny as he usually did to start filling bottles. The cold water stung, but Mark thought of it as a distraction. If he could ignore Johnny's concerned look and focus on the water, the thoughts would rush away.

Yuta seemed to get the memo and keep a distance from him at o-line. Usually, they were side by side, talking up a storm about random things. It was almost like Mark was in timeout. It was times like this when Mark seriously hated his emotions. He hated feeling like he had no control over how he was acting. He was like a puppet with his mind-controlling every subconscious move. Mark needed to go home.

-

When the final whistle blew, Mark was quick to run downstairs. He ignored the footsteps that were following him. He couldn't be bothered by the fake pity that would soon be upon him. 

"Mark, please stop," Johnny said, grabbing hold of Mark before he could leave the training room to go back to his dorm.

"Johnny, please let me go," Mark whispered. 

"I'm not going to let you go home like this," Johnny said.

Mark could feel the tears already building. He shook his head, pulling his arm from Johnny's grip.

"I'm sorry, Johnny."

Johnny shook his head, "Mark, whatever you're going through, you can't go through it alone."

"Yes I can," Mark said, making a move around Johnny.

"Mark."

Mark sucked in a sob. He can't do this. He won't. Mark wouldn't allow himself to be this vulnerable to a person again. 

Mark turned around, but he froze. Johnny's eyes were glossy as well. It was as if he felt the same pain Mark was going through. Johnny was pleading with him. He wanted to help almost as desperately as Mark wanted to getaway.

Mark knew he shouldn't but the way Johnny seemed to genuinely care about him made him break. 

"Okay."

Johnny smiled at him, "I have something to show you."

-

Peaceful is the only word Mark could use to describe it. Johnny was silent beside him, his total focus was on the road in front of him. The street lights were like fireflies, never staying at one place at once. They flashed by Mark's eyes in seconds. John Mayer was playing softly from the radio which seemed to fit Johnny perfectly. 

Mark didn't even notice Johnny pulling to a stop by a lake.

"I'm not here to kill you, there's a Coldstone up here. You up for some ice cream?" Johnny said quickly. 

Mark learned he could never say no to sweets. With the newly acquired ice cream in hand, Mark felt a lot more comfortable.

"Mark, over here," He called.

Johnny leaned up against a railing that went over the lake. The moonlight reflected off of Johnny's face in a way that made him look surreal. When Mark got closer, he noticed the way car lights reflected off the water. 

"It's beautiful," Mark mumbled mainly to himself. 

Johnny nodded from beside him, "I come here a lot. It's a good place to relax yourself"

Mark felt eyes on him which made him tense up. He knew he couldn't avoid it anymore. Johnny wasn't going to drop it until Mark started talking. 

"Johnny, when do you feel happiest?" 

Johnny eyed him weirdly, clearly not expecting a question. 

"I don't know," Johnny admitted. "Maybe when I'm with Ten or during football games."

Mark nodded, "Not that you asked, but mine is when I'm with my brother."

"Renjun?" Johnny asked.

"Yeah, the one and only," Mark felt himself smile just at the thought of him. "He left when I was a freshman in high school."

"I thought he was only two years older than you?"

"He is, he just left earlier. Renjun wasn't happy. Before he left, he got broken up with which led to his depression only grow. He was already bad before, but the break up quite literally broke him. I wish I'd seen it earlier. Renjun had closed off a long time ago. I think it started when our parents got divorced. Mom left, and he felt like part of him left with her. I was so young at the time and wasn't able to understand why she left."

"With my brother falling apart, I felt like I needed to be better. I had to be the strong one for my brother. I couldn't be seen being weak or breaking down. That mindset has stuck with me even to this day. And even then, Renjun still left."

Mark took a deep breath. He felt himself starting to lose it, but he had to do this. Johnny was silent beside him, taking every word in. It made Mark feel important for the first time in his life.

"Renjun broke my heart that day. Watching him walk out the door like he had no regrets. I could handle losing my mom, but losing my brother."

Mark must have started crying then, but he couldn't feel anything. He felt numb as the words that he'd been bottling in for years finally were spoken. 

"My heart broke into two, Renjun has one of the halves. He's in college now so, it shouldn't matter, but it still stings. Every time I think about him, my heart still hurts. I have so many regrets about it. I should've cared more, I should've been there for him. I shouldn't have hid and held my emotions from him. Maybe if he had someone there letting him know he was wanted and needed, he would have stayed. Maybe he would still be here."

Mark knew he lost it then. His legs felt like jello. Every emotion was on display, and Mark felt terrified. He felt like he couldn't breathe. Air came in rapidly but it wasn't enough. He felt his whole body start to shake, his teeth started chattering as well but not because of the cold. Mark didn't know what was going on. 

His eyes flickered to Johnny as if searching for answers. The older didn't say anything, all he did was pull Mark close to him. Mark scrambled, searching for anything to help him stabilize. Mark's hand gripped onto of fabric Johnny's shirt. It had to be soaked by now, but he didn't seem to care. 

"Mark, try to breathe with me. Okay?"

Mark nodded, not trusting himself to say anything comprehensive. He turned his whole attention to Johnny. His warmth, his breathing, his everything. As his breaths calmed down, Mark felt himself gaining control of himself again. Johnny was rubbing his back as Mark stopped crying. 

That's when the guilt built back up. Mark looked up at Johnny, but he didn't see madness. His eyes were laced with concern. The genuineness of it shocked Mark.

"I'm so sorry," Mark whispered, his voice groggy.

"You have nothing to apologize for," Johnny reassured. "No one should go through things alone. You're not alone, Mark."

Mark let out a shaky breath, "I guess so."

"Here, come on. Let's get you home," Johnny said, standing up and reaching out a hand to Mark.

Mark looked at the hand for a while before reaching out and taking it.

-

Johnny pulled up next to the dorms in record timing. Mark was about to leave, but Johnny grabbed his arm.

"Mark, don't blame yourself about Renjun," Johnny said. "There's nothing you could have done. Renjun doesn't blame you either. Don't hold yourself accountable for someone else's actions."

Mark nodded, "I'll try."

"Mark, he loves you. Don't forget that."

Mark stared at Johnny, trying to juggle the words he was saying. Johnny made sense and it was the most true statement he's heard in years. Renjun still loves him, and that was a tough pill to swallow. 

"Thank you, Johnny, for everything," Mark said.

"Of course, I'll always be here for you," Johnny said, squeezing his arm before letting go. "I sense you're still holding things in which is completely okay. I'll be here if you ever need anything."

Mark smiled and nodded, once again not trusting himself to speak. He mumbled a goodnight to the other before leaving the car and heading to his dorm. Mark felt like his shoulders had pressure released from them. Johnny was so understanding and didn't seem to mind Mark's outburst. For the first time in years, Mark felt understood. 

And for once, he didn't second guess it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hurt a lot, to say the least. It isn't everything Mark has gone through but it's the main cause of his hurt, I really won't get much farther than that. 
> 
> If anyone gets what Mark is going through, you're not alone. People care about you and you are so loved. No one should go through things alone. You're not a burden for feeling what you feel. There are people out there who care. Please don't go through your pain alone, no one deserves that.
> 
> Thank you guys for taking the time to read this <3


	6. Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark has a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! An update!
> 
> I want to apologize for the wait. I'm trying to find the motivation to write again and I really don't want to write sloppy.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this mess of a chapter, I hate how bad it is :/
> 
> Thank you for reading <3

Mark woke up to his phone ringing. Who would bother to call him at this hour? As his eyes opened, he saw Donghyuck running around the apartment. Knowing him, he probably lost something.

He reached over for his phone. The blue light felt like it was blinding him. As his vision cleared up, the name Johnny appeared.

Okay, Mark was not expecting that.

_"Mark! I hope I didn't wake you"_

"Totally not, everything okay?"

_"Of course, I was just wondering if you need a ride to the school today. I'll be dropping Ten off later anyways and, he lives by you"_

"Probably so, I think Donghyuck is going on a date beforehand"

_"Ah, Taeil. Sounds good, I'll text once I'm on my way"_

"Thank you, Johnny"

_"Of course, see you soon"_

Mark must have had a smile on his face because the minute Johnny hanged up, Donghyuck hopped onto the bed.

"Mark, I love you to pieces, but please don't fall for him," Donghyuck said, leaning to rest his head on Mark's shoulder.

"Hyuck, I'm not and, I won't," He responded, reaching over to pat his knee. "You also have no room to talk. You fell for Taeil the minute you saw him."

Donghyuck flushed, "No, it took a while."

"Oh yeah, a whole seven days."

"I take back my statement, I don't love you," Donghyuck announced, getting up from his spot. "On the topic of Taeil, he's picking me up for lunch."

Mark smiled, "Of course he is. Have fun, Hyuck."

Donghyuck gave him one last smile before closing the door. This gave Mark a couple of hours of silence before the game later that night. Tonight was the start of the playoffs and all the trainers were excited. It would be the first year the team had high expectations, and everyone wanted to go far.

It wasn't Mark's first time being apart of a playoff running team. His high school team went far each of his four years. Playoffs were where most of his training memories were made.

Back in Colorado, he took so many videos of his friends during games. His phone occasionally threw them into his memories. Most of them included Jisung and Chenle teasing each other over some random thing. Mark hadn't talked in those two in a while. After he graduated a year before them, they lost contact with each other. It hurt for a bit but, Mark learned that it was part of life.

Mark leaned over to the other side of the bed to check the time. Johnny would be there in five hours. If Mark still had that much time, he figured he might as well make the most of it.

Ever since middle school, Mark collected old albums and some current ones as well. He reached for one and carefully blew the dust off. He cherished the albums dearly but, he does admit that he forgets about them from time to time. But the minute the music starts playing, Mark feels so much relief.

-

Johnny arrived as promised. He and Ten were saying goodbye when Mark walked out. He awkwardly smiled at Ten as he passed by. It wasn't intended, Mark was just awkward to people he didn't know. Mark's mind immediately wanted to relive that brief contact over and over and make himself drown in it. But Johnny started to talk and, Mark made himself focus on him instead.

When they got to the training room, Johnny was immediately sent to work. That didn't surprise Mark though. He went off to find Yuta instead of watching Lewis tape athletes.

"Mark! You're doing timeouts with Johhny tonight," Yuta said, slinging his arm around Mark's shoulder.

Mark raised an eyebrow, "Seriously?"

Doyoung nodded, "Since Jaemin's out again, you get the responsibility."

Mark smiled but, he felt the nerves build in him. He'd never had a hard role during games. Usually, he just held the bottles, but now he had to juggle three things at once.

"You'll be fine, Johnny will make sure of it," Taeil said from his spot beside Yuta.

Mark nodded, he was fine with the fact that he was working timeouts. He just wasn't prepared to be next to Johnny the whole game.

-

"Just follow me," Johnny said once the whistle blew.

The sidelines were crowded beyond belief. Mark could almost feel the player's breaths on his neck. Mark was so close to Johnny too. Everything felt so crazy and dysfunctional.

"Mark, focus on me, okay?" Johnny said, almost sensing his nerves.

Mark nodded, glancing at Johnny once before turning back to the game. Mark honestly knew nothing about the sport. He could name a few positions and maybe some rules but, that was about it. Johnny was very into it though. He jumped at every touchdown made and yelled when a play didn't go their way. It was enjoyable for Mark to see Johnny so excited about something.

As the game went on, Mark finally came to a realization. No matter how hard Mark tried, he couldn't deny what had developed. Mark knew what he was feeling, and it terrified him. It was the one thing Donghyuck made him promise not to happen.

Mark was falling for Johnny, and there was nothing Mark could do about it.


	7. Spring-Early Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A time-lapse of spring and summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kinda jumps around I'm so sorry😂
> 
> I know I don't update frequently but I'm so thankful for all the support you guys have given this story. I might be finishing it off at around 10 chapters but we'll see.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading <3

"Mark Lee!" Donghyuck yelled, causing Mark to wince.

"It's not like I wanted to!" Mark yelled back, "You think I chose this pain."

Donghyuck felt a pang of sadness as he saw Mark tear up. He ran over to his best friend and hugged him tightly. Even if he was upset, It wasn't Mark's fault.

"I'm sorry, Hyuck," Mark whispered.

"It's not your fault," Donghyuck responded.

Mark knew this was how this conversation would go. The minute he told Donghyuck he liked Johnny, the younger got upset. Mark knew it was because Donghyuck cared and didn't want him to get hurt.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why make me watch you be miserable without him?" Donghyuck asked.

"Because it's nothing that I can't handle. It seems stupid," Mark sighed.

"You're feelings are valid, Markie. You haven't seen him in months, it's okay to miss him," Donghyuck reassured.

Mark wished that he could believe that. He shouldn't be missing Johnny this much, not when the older had a boyfriend. He shouldn't be so over the heels for him either.

"It's alright to need help," Donghyuck said. "How about you come home with me this summer that way you can get away from this for a while."

Mark nodded, thankful for the offer. Mark could only hope it would work.

-

"Mark, you're staring," Donghyuck sighed from beside him.

Mark really hadn't noticed. He was mindlessly scrolling on Instagram until he saw Johnny's post.

_One year_

____

____

A year was a long time. Mark didn't know that Johnny had been with Ten for that long.

"I should've known," Mark sighed, wiping a tear off his face.

Donghyuck moved over slightly to hook his chin on Mark's shoulder.

"It doesn't matter. Let's just focus on getting over him, okay?"

Mark nodded and tossed his phone across the bed. Donghyuck grinned enthusiastically and grabbed Mark's hand, urging him to follow. Mark couldn't say no. He just sighed and let the younger take him anywhere he wanted.

-

It'd been over two months since Mark last talked or saw Johnny. They weren't exactly keeping in contact which, was probably for the better. Donghyuck was sweet enough to let Mark stay with him over the summer with the occasional visits from Taeil.

Mark missed Johnny though. As Taeil slept peacefully on Donghyuck's shoulder, Mark was only reminded of what his heart deeply wanted.

It was something he could never have.

"Mark," Donghyuck said, getting Mark out of his thoughts. "Football starts next week, we should go shopping."

"For what, shorts?" Mark teased.

"Mark," Donghyuck whined. "We never have time to go back to school shopping because of football. Can we please go?"

"I'm just playing, Hyuck. Of course, we can go. I need new jeans anyways."

"I'm not letting you buy any more black jeans. You have like four pairs," Donghyuck said. He had started running his hands through Taeil's hair to wake him up.

"We both know you won't stop me," Mark grinned, standing up to get ready.

-

As much as Mark hated it, he was back to where he was. Under the scorching heat with the unbearing pressure of a crush on his shoulders. Mark was real close to losing every sense of mental stability. He was so tired of everything.

The practice went on as normal though. Yuta caught him up about his spring break and how his relationship with Sicheng was going. He'd recently died his hair blonde which, had led to teasing from Jungwoo. Not that Jungwoo could talk with the bowl-cut he gained over the break.

There was only one thing that disturbed Mark. Johnny wasn't talking. It wasn't just Mark, it was the whole group. He'd just hum in response to any question that was given. It was messing with the whole group. It was incredibly awkward and, no one knew when to speak.

The coach held a brief meeting before letting them go for the night. As the night ended, Johnny still hadn't said a word. Mark wasn't going to let it slide. Ignoring the burning of the feelings he was burying inside, he reached forward and grabbed Johnny's arm before he could leave.

Dark brown glossy eyes met Mark's. Something was different about them. The usual happiness that would dance in them was gone. All that remained was the blankness of it.

"What happened?" Mark asked softly, making sure he was out of earshot from everyone.

Johnny looked at him for a bit. Maybe Mark had overstepped. Maybe they weren't as close as Mark thought. But then Johnny sighed and looked at the ground. It seemed like years before he spoke. The words didn't seem true but, they were left stuck on Mark's mind.

"Ten broke up with me."


End file.
